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Author Topic: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)  (Read 148306 times)
Hobbit
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« Reply #2730 on: August 16, 2019, 03:12:18 AM »

Hi Jack

The cricket is appalling Sad Cry  All out for 258.  I think that the Ashes are almost certainly heading in your direction!

The Adam Hills' clips went a long way to restoring my equilibrium & made me properly laugh.  Hilarious laugh  He does a programme here called The Last Leg with Alex Brooker & Josh Widdicombe.  Here is a small sample for you

Trump

Sometimes it's hilarious & other times it's a bit near the knuckle for me.

   

Dinners ready Hungry

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Ozzyjack
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« Reply #2731 on: August 16, 2019, 05:48:16 PM »

Hi Pen,

Cut your boys a bit of slack.  It ain't over until the last ball is bowled as was proved in the first test.  We can't expect Steve Smith to have a blinder every test and if he doesn't - who knows?

We watch every episode of The Last Leg.  The only problem is that we only get to see it a week after you do and so the events being satirised have often been overtaken by further events. I think Adam made a mistake undertaking to grow his beard until Brexit is settled.  Unless Boris pulls off a miracle that won't be before the next series starts in October.  Of Adam's two side-kicks I prefer Alex to Josh.

It is my turn to pick the horses for the syndicate again and that is taking a lot of my day,  The only one that I would pick on name is Beegood Toya Mother.   Anyway Horses are my theme for today

           


   

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Cheers, Jack


As I'm getting older, I feel like maybe I need to grow up a bit. - Vanessa Kirby
Hobbit
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« Reply #2732 on: August 17, 2019, 02:17:08 AM »

Hi Jack

It's raining very persistently here & at Lords.  The Aussies are 80 for 4 as we speak.  I don't think there'll be any further play today & I'm not going to get out for a stroll any time soon Roll Eyes  I knocked up a shepherds pie earlier which looks & smells delish Smiley

I didn't realise you got The Last Leg so my clip was a bit surplus to requirements!

   

Here's a very silly joke for you!
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.
 The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
 Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man,
 ''What the heck did you put on this pizza?''
 The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."

Hope your horses do well Smiley


Still raining so off to the kitchen!




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a non-amos
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« Reply #2733 on: August 17, 2019, 01:38:07 PM »

So . . . at my lovely bride's workplace they bought too much food for a meeting.  Everyone went home with a sizeable fruit bowl.  Some of the culinary people made some comments regarding what I might do with it.  Yes, they have been on the Food Channel and all of that.  They also like my cooking.

I'm thinking about a mixed fruit upside-down-cake.  The mixed fruit might not have the tartness of pineapple, so I might have to add some lemon zest.  Might work.  Play with your food.
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Carpe digitus.
(Roughly translated, this is possibly the world's oldest "pull my finger" joke)
Ozzyjack
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« Reply #2734 on: August 17, 2019, 05:17:52 PM »

Hi Pen,

When I took a quick peek at your macaroons at 4 am, they looked so good I almost got up and had an early breakfast.

I enjoyed The last leg clip because it was 3 years since I had seen it as part of the whole show and some things are worth revisiting .

I am told this Ronnie Barker skit was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Apparently Ronnie Barker said all this without a snigger.  It is not recorded how many takes it took to perfect it. The irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read it.

Quote from: Ronnie Barker
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and  shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper. The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. 'Who's fust jarted??' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had  lifted,  he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome  hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.  Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!


I tried to find it on YouTube but was unsuccessful.   However, I did find a woman performing it

Rindercella (audio only)

But I couldn’t leave you without a “Ronnie”

This is Barker on spoonerisms


                   



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Cheers, Jack


As I'm getting older, I feel like maybe I need to grow up a bit. - Vanessa Kirby
Valerie
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« Reply #2735 on: August 17, 2019, 06:35:03 PM »

Good Heavens!  I've just noticed that there are 183 pages of this thread.  More recently between Jack and Penny with a few odds and sods thrown in.  I wonder if the originator ever sneaks in to see the havoc he created!
 Demon
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Hobbit
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« Reply #2736 on: August 17, 2019, 11:37:58 PM »

I've wondered that! I doubt it somehow.  Jack & I enjoy our bit of banter laugh
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Hobbit
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« Reply #2737 on: August 17, 2019, 11:59:53 PM »

G'day Jack

A flying visit as No1 Daughter is here for lunch & staying til later.  It tickled her when I told her that in the last week or so we've had astronomer, cloudless & observing!  Perhaps Alan organised them like that especially for her laugh

Your post was A1 excellent Smiley  11/10!  I loved the Rindercella but struggled to read it without laughing my head off


      

See you soon
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Ozzyjack
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« Reply #2738 on: August 18, 2019, 08:49:35 AM »

Hi Val,

I think of Les from time to time.  I often wonder whether he was a confected character presented for his own amusement or whether he was a real person suffering from problems which for some reason he felt he could no longer continue on the forum.  It is a complete mystery to me.  Whichever, it was, we do miss him. I preferred to think of him as a real person and as a friend  even though sometimes he used to annoy the Sh..er dickens out of me.  I guess we will never know.  It is perfectly possible, and highly likely,  that Les follows us as a guest and plays the games as anon.  I would be interested if anyone has any views.

Pen and I considered moving our conversations to another thread but decided against it.  The thread was well established and had become a community even if most of the readers made up a mostly silent majority.  Our conversation is not only for our benefit as we hope it gives others a smile or two - otherwise we could just send each other private messages.  We get real pleasure when others muck in.

So don't be a stranger because I always enjoy your posts.
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Cheers, Jack


As I'm getting older, I feel like maybe I need to grow up a bit. - Vanessa Kirby
Valerie
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« Reply #2739 on: August 18, 2019, 11:25:21 AM »

Yes, indeed, Jack, he was quite an enigma.  I like this thread.  It lifts my spirits.  Especially the jokes and the banter between you and Pen.  Keep up the good work.  Although I do feel like an intruder when I butt in every now and again.  I'll try and rid myself of that feeling in future.  Stay tooned!
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Ozzyjack
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« Reply #2740 on: August 18, 2019, 04:29:22 PM »

Hi Pen,

I spent too much time watching the cricket last night.  Even as a non-cricket aficionado (or should that be a cricket non-aficionado), I found it riveting.

My effort on the ponies yesterday was ordinary.  2 winners,1 place and the other 3 didn’t feature.  As the ones that payed were favourites, I only got $85 back from $120. So I won’t have to do it again for at least 6 weeks.

My theme today is Australian Icons – Vegemite and Cattle Dogs.

I am betting you don't take the London Daily Mail so you might not have seen the ads in a piece from the SMH yesterday

Quote from: Peter FitzSimons
Spread the Word

It is so rare when major companies manage to master genuine humour in their marketing campaigns that, when it happens, it is worth recording it. It began with our own Vegemite taking out a full-page ad in the London Daily Mirror at the conclusion of the First Test:

G’day,” the script ran, “news has reached down under that free jars of Marmite are being handed out at the Ashes to try to prove it tastes better than our Vegemite. Are you guys barmy? Of course, the refined English palate will prefer yours. You see, Vegemite is a far stronger taste, made of resilience and fortitude with a dash of cunning and guile. Vegemite tastes like back to back tons on your return Test. Vegemite tastes like a come from behind victory by 251 runs. You lot won’t like the taste of Vegemite. Because Vegemite tastes like Australia. Catch ya at Lord’s.

Marmite soon responded:

Dear Vegemite, we might not taste like Australia, but love it or hate it, we won’t be tampering with it: See you at the home of cricket. #MarmyArmy.”

I am calling it. Marmite has a narrow lead after the first innings. Vegemite next to bat.


Quote
A BLUE CATTLE DOG STORY

Scott Morrison, Australian Prime Minister, called Michaelia Cash, Minister for Employment, Skills, Small and Family Business, into his office one day and said "Michaelia,I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters".

"Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"? said Michaelia.

"Well", said Morrison, "we get ourselves one of those Driza-Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush and we can tell them 'If you have a go, you get a go' and that 'we’ve Taken Australia back into the black'.

"Right, that’ll show them we meant our election promises" said Michaelia.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.

They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.  "G'day mate", said Morrison to the bartender, "two halves of your best beer".  He’d heard someone say that in London.

"Good afternoon, Cobbers", said the bartender, "two middies of VB coming up".

Cash and Morrison stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again and sprouting slogans to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

Suddenly, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Morrison and Cash could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

"Tell me" said Morrison, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"

"Strewth no", said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes"

         

If I'm going to watch a bit of cricket tonight, I need a poppy nap now. Zzzz


 
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Cheers, Jack


As I'm getting older, I feel like maybe I need to grow up a bit. - Vanessa Kirby
Valerie
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« Reply #2741 on: August 18, 2019, 05:11:30 PM »

Speaking of vegemite, Jack, you may have heard Alexander Downer, our former High Commissioner to the UK and lover of fishnet stockings, recently describe Boris Johnson as a "Vegemite Politician".  In other words, you either love him or hate him.

Your cattle dog story was a real cracker.   
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anona
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« Reply #2742 on: August 18, 2019, 08:32:49 PM »

Speaking further of vegemite, the only vegetable elements I've seen listed as ingredients are onion and celery flavourings. Yet the aftertaste for me is like a faint smell of overcooked cabbage. Or perhaps broccoli. Does anyone know which vegetable flavourings are actually used?

If anyone in Britain is interested, and they use Ocado: Ocado is flogging it off at half price for a few weeks.
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Valerie
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« Reply #2743 on: August 18, 2019, 09:29:14 PM »

Hi Anona, as far as I know, Vegemite is made from leftover brewers' yeast extract (a by-product of beer manufacture) and various vegetable and spice additives.  The vegetable additives are not stipulated although there is a malt extract from barley.  Perhaps the umami-type aroma/flavour of Vegemite reminds you of Chinese cabbage, spinach, celery, etc)?  Did you know that the US used to prohibit the import of Vegemite because it contains too much B12?  Being an honest person, I once declared my small jar of Vegemite (Marmite is not the same to me) when I entered Scotland on holiday several years ago.  The customs official at Glasgow airport knowingly eyed me with suspicion.  "Aye, you Ozzies, you're all the same, trying to get away with murrrrrder".  Summoning another official he ordered that I be arrested forthwith.  It was hilarious!
« Last Edit: August 18, 2019, 09:45:34 PM by Valerie » Logged

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Hobbit
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« Reply #2744 on: August 18, 2019, 11:33:02 PM »

G'day Jack

It's happened again Shocked  got right to the bottom of my post & it said an error has occurred Cry  Didn't follow your advice so have to start again Sad  Not sure I can remember what I put now Roll Eyes

The cricket is very exciting.  I think you are a cricket non-aficionado Demon  who knows you might end of as a convert laugh

Sorry your gee gees didn't perform very well.  At least you have a six week breather before you have to repeat the exercise Smiley

I loved the cattle dog story but the vegemite/marmite story was brilliant Smiley  Do hope it's true!

Funny cricketing one liners
Yorkshire 232 all out, Hutton ill - I'm sorry, Hutton 111. - John Snagge, BBC News

He's usually a good puller - but he couldn't get it up that time. - Richie Benaud, Channel 9

In the back of Hughes' mind must be the thought that he will dance down the piss and mitch one. - Tony Greig, Channel 9

It was close for Zaheer, Lawson threw his hands in the air and Marsh threw his head in the air.- Jack Potter, 3UZ

Playing against a team with Ian Chappell as a captain turns cricket match into gang warfare. - Mike Brearley, 1980
 
 At the royal wedding in 1981 Johnners was commentating on BBC radio outside St. Pauls cathedral. 'Yes I can see the happy couple now making their way down the steps of the pavilion'

'The slow motion replay doesn't show how fast that delivery was'. Benaud

 That tough cricketer Brian Close was fielding close to the wicket at short leg when the batsman produced a full-blooded pull shot and the ball hit the fielder hard on the side of his face. Amazingly it flew straight up in the air and the batsman was caught at slip. "My God," said a worried fielder going up to check on Close. "What would have happened if he'd hit you right between the eyes?" "In that case," growled Close, "the bugger would have been caught at cover."

 Ray Illingworth has just relieved himself at the pavilion end.- BrianJohnston, BBC Radio

 If you go in with two fast bowlers and one breaks down, you're left two short.- Bob Massie, ABC Radio

As Cullinan was heading out to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him.
Cullinan replied.”Looks like you spent it eating,”

   

If I can tear myself away from the cricket for half an hour going for a stroll & going to sign off before it vanishes again!


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