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 on: Today at 12:41:12 AM 
Started by Les303 - Last post by Hobbit
Oh dear my diet is definitely on the decline since my resident head chef moved out laugh  I'd better buck my ideas up or she'll be having stern words!  Or I could just keep schtum  Demon

Glad I got Perth right.  The picture of the Pinnacles is amazing. 
Was your sign off Goodbye Versailles??

Enjoy your golf tomorrow.  Is Moss Vale far for you to drive?  Wonder if you'll see much change in 10 years.  Golf clubs here have a habit of staying the same for donkeys years!

Toodle Pip Penx

 on: Today at 12:24:24 AM 
Started by Les303 - Last post by Ozzyjack
My answer to the Jeopardy question is Perth?  

It wasn't bangers & mash but chips & baked beans.  Love them nearly as much as Marmite Demon

Spot on!  Perth is the only Australian Capital on the Indian Ocean.  The Indian Ocean Drive goes from Port Denison down to Perth - 220 miles or about a 3.5 hour drive if you obey the speed limit.  The furthest I've been up it is to see the Pinnacles.

Are you trying to compete in the healthy diet of the year competition? Demon

I struggled a bit with your sign off.  The first picture is Fran Kirby taking a shot at goal during England’s emphatic 4-0 win over France. So I will take a shot at Gotta shoot Puss-in-Boots.

We are off tomorrow morning to have our first game at Moss Vale for over 10 years.  Our second game with the veterans.  So

 on: Yesterday at 08:35:36 PM 
Started by Les303 - Last post by Hobbit
G'day Jack

Compliments to Zephyr I think you have used that sign off but it's a great pic so does it matter?  I quite often repeat the ones I like as I'm sure you've noticed.

I enjoyed the funny signs but I thought the joke about the man tying up his wife is hilarious laugh  Love silly stuff like that.

My answer to the Jeopardy question is Perth?  Am I going to look a bit stupid? Embarrassed

These tickled me

It wasn't bangers & mash but chips & baked beans.  Love them nearly as much as Marmite Demon


 on: Yesterday at 04:08:00 PM 
Started by Les303 - Last post by Ozzyjack
I wonder if it harks back to school days?  We were taught plenty about our kings & queens & other historical figures & about the Great War but it mainly concentrated on British history.

It's bangers Hungry

When I was at school in the 1950's it was the same for us with a bit of American History thrown in for good luck.  I suspect it didn't change much until about 10 years ago when there was a move to introduce indigenous history into the syllabus and downgrade the Colonial history .  This was strongly opposed by the conservatives in the coalition Government.  When I left school I was fully aware of the Massacre at Wounded Knee in South Dakota but was totally ignorant of the Australian Frontier Wars.

Quote from: wikipedia

The Australian frontier wars is a term applied by some historians to violent conflicts between Indigenous Australians and white settlers during the British colonisation of Australia. The first fighting took place several months after the landing of the First Fleet in January 1788 and the last clashes occurred in the early 20th century, as late as 1934. A minimum of 40,000 Indigenous Australians and between 2,000 and 2,500 settlers died in the wars.[4] However, recent scholarship on the frontier wars in what is now the state of Queensland indicates that Indigenous fatalities may have been significantly higher. Indeed, while battles and massacres occurred in a number of locations across Australia, they were particularly bloody in Queensland, owing to its comparatively larger pre-contact Indigenous population.

My point of yesterday was emphasised when we watched a recording of Last night's Jeopardy before I went to the gym this morning.
Jeopardy is shown here only 18 months after it is produced in America.The final question was What is Australia's fourth largest capital city?.  It lies at the bottom of the Indian Ocean Drive..  

The answers given were Brisbane, Adelaide and Darwin -all of course wrong.  I would not have expected they would know the answer by the size but the second half of the question is a dead giveaway.

I thought your historical clips were great.  I will be content to respond with some funny signs (I suspect all might not be deliberate) and a short story,

  • Side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.
  • Car Lot: The best way to get on your feet....Miss a car payment.
  • Church: To remove worry wrinkles, get your faith lifted.
  • Plastic surgeon's office: Hello. May we pick your nose?
  • Large machinery plant: Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist.
  • Gym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear!
  • Beauty shop: Dye now!
  • Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
  • Dentists: Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.
  • Department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs.
  • Dry cleaner's: Drop your pants here.
  • Dry cleaner's: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
  • Farmer's field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free but be aware that the bull charges.
  • Health food shop: Closed due to illness.
  • Clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
  • Dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
  • Restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.
  • Medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center
  • Restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
  • Maternity clothes shop: We are open on Labor Day.
  • Butchers: Let me meat your needs.

One day, a typical Aussie came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up'' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and joined his mates on the golf course.

I hope you had mash with those bangers last night, Pen

Zephyr fully endorses this sign-off although he has a suspicion I might have used it before

 on: Yesterday at 11:51:46 AM 
Started by TRex - Last post by TRex
Again, thanks Alan.

 on: Yesterday at 11:50:54 AM 
Started by TRex - Last post by TRex
Thanks, Alan. In all my years of following baseball, I don't remember ever seeing fly out as a single word. And flied out is far more common.

 on: Yesterday at 11:01:35 AM 
Started by Lainey - Last post by Ozzyjack
Mike, I suspect we were meant to be confused by the message and so prompted to click on the now deleted hyperlink to see if it would help explain the text.

 on: Yesterday at 03:28:04 AM 
Started by Les303 - Last post by Hobbit
Hi Jack

I'm guilty as charged!  I know a bit about our own history but very little about yours & American history & culture.  I am not at all surprised at how well read you & the other Aussie Forumites are.  I wonder if it harks back to school days?  We were taught plenty about our kings & queens & other historical figures & about the Great War but it mainly concentrated on British history.  

Henry, who was very elderly, was unhappy because he had lost his favourite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the entrance porch when the worshippers were busy praying.

When Henry arrived at the church an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on 'The Ten Commandments.'
After the service, Henry met the vicar in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him, 'I want to thank you Father for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it.'

The vicar answered, 'You mean the commandment ' Thou shall not steal' changed your mind?'
'No, 'retorted Henry, 'the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that, I remembered where I had left my old hat.'

Off to the kitchen to see

It's bangers Hungry

Love your sign off - thanks to Zephyr's nod of approval Smiley

 on: August 20, 2019, 10:14:03 PM 
Started by Les303 - Last post by Ozzyjack
Q1. How on earth do you find all this stuff, your jokes included?  
Q2.Do you spend a lot of time on your computer?  

Q1. A mixture of luck and having an instinct for knowing what questions to ask Google'  Quite often when you are searching for something you come up with the unexpected which you can use immediately or store for future use.  An example was when you raised Fake News, I thought that would make a good theme for joke stories or cartoons.  So, I googled jokes about fake news.  It came up with nothing I could use but pointed to several articles on fake news sites.  I saw one that I thought might interest you and included it in the post.  

If you are after something specific and come up with nothing, sometimes reordering the keywords will come up with a new set of answers.  

With jokes, you can google a theme and sometimes you are lucky but from time to time you are even more lucky and come up with an obscure source that has collections of jokes you can use.  I use some and store the rest for later use.  

I shy away from jokes that are cruel, demean minorities, or use gratuitous bad language to make up for cleverness.  An example might be blonde jokes. I would only use them when the blonde is shown to be the clever one.  I don't shy from using risqué or bad language if it is at the heart of the humour.  

Here is an example I have been sitting on for months.  I am not sure it is very funny, whether it crosses the line on blonde jokes, and I thought I had seen it published elsewhere recently.  A thorough search of the forum produced no result so it must have been elsewhere;


A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first mansion, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."the blonde replied

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

"And by the way, "the blonde added, "it's not a Porche, it's a Lexus."

Q2. This is a hard one to answer.  If I exclude playing Chi games, keeping up with emails and messages with my non-forum friends and on-line shopping and product research, I would say somewhere between 30-90 minutes a day on forum posts.  When I’m tired or pushed for time I can usually draw on stored material.  At other times when I have my teeth into something, I can sometimes forget time and it will be somewhat longer.  One thing sometimes surprises people is that with google you can appear to be a local on the other side of the globe.  I can usually put a post together quite quickly but I like to present them, particularly the long ones, in an easily readable form.  Sometimes the editing time exceeds the original composing time.

 on: August 20, 2019, 10:06:17 PM 
Started by Les303 - Last post by Ozzyjack
My post tonight is like me - short & sweet laugh

I hope mine is not like me : stout and thick  Wink

One thing that I have always wondered: why is it that people from America and the UK are surprised that the average well read Aussie knows more about their history, culture, and current affairs than the average pom or yank? Why is it that the average Australian is surprised to learn that the average pom or or yank knows bugger all about our history, culture and current affairs?  That should be provocative enough to start a conversation, Pen.


Last Sunday, the pastor asked if anyone in the  congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise.  Two months ago, my husband, David, had a terrible motorcycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor David must have experienced.

"David was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed  as the  doctors  performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of David's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on David.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, David is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm David."

The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that  the word is sternum .

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler.

One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter."

"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house."

I have Zephyr's imprimatur for this sign off

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