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Author Topic: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)  (Read 181004 times)
Ozzyjack
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« Reply #2475 on: May 22, 2019, 04:30:48 PM »

G'Day Pen

From the Wild West to something uniquely Australian.

Quote
The symbolic meaning of the Aboriginal flag colours (as stated by Harold Thomas) is: Black – represents the Aboriginal people of Australia. Yellow circle – represents the Sun, the giver of life and protector. Red – represents the red earth, the red ochre used in ceremonies and Aboriginal peoples' spiritual relation to the land.

I wouldn't even bet my top dollar on your weather, Pen.  I've looked into my Chrystal Ball and I predict temperatures between 9oC (48oF) and 18oC (64oF) over the weekend with patchy rain likely on both days. Huh?

     

OK, Pen, I can hear you thinking – That’s enough realism, give me something I can laugh at.  I am sorry, but all I have today are two stories with a moral.  The second one is older than Methuselah but it still resonates with me every time I come across it.

Quote
Dudley Doorite and his girlfriend had been dating for over a year, and so they decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering Dudley—it was her beautiful younger sister - She was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near Dudley and he always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked Dudley to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when he arrived, and she whispered to Dudley that she had feelings and desires for Dudley that she couldn’t overcome. She told Dudley that she wanted Dudley just once before he got married and committed his life to her sister. Well, he was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me.

Dudley was stunned and frozen in shock as he watched her go up the stairs. He stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight for the door. He opened the door, and sprinted towards his vehicle.

Lo and behold, his entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!  With tears in his eyes, his father-in-law hugged Dudley and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

Moral:  Always keep the condoms in the car


Quote
Once upon a time, there was a stubborn sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south.

In a short time ice began to form on his wings. He tried to fly quicker to warmer air, but his wings kept freezing until he finally fell to the earth in a small barnyard. Almost frozen, unaware of where he was, a cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was surely the end.

But, the manure began to warm him. Soon, his wings were completely defrosted. Warm and happy, able to breathe and able to move again, he started to sing out loud in joy. Just then, a large cat came by to investigate where these familiar sounds were coming from. Soon enough, the cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and ate him.

Morals:
  • Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
  • Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.
  • And the most important thing? Well, if you're warm and happy in your nice steaming pile of shit, keep your mouth shut!!!

Tomorrow's a big day, so tonight I'll be early to hit the hay


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Cheers, Jack


With age, you see people fail more. You see yourself fail more. How do you keep that fearlessness of a kid? You keep going. Luckily, I'm not afraid to make a fool of myself. - Hugh Jackman
Hobbit
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« Reply #2476 on: May 22, 2019, 11:33:56 PM »



I think we need a touch of realism from time to time.  I don't know a great deal about the aborigines.  I'm guessing from your pictures they get a pretty raw deal.  The flag makes perfect sense.

Are you golfing tomorrow? (today!)  Thought I might find you a golf story.

Playing in the English Amateur Championship of 1974 at Moortown Golf Club in Leeds, Nigel Denham was a little bold, and a touch left, with his approach shot to the 18th hole. His ball bounced off a path and flew through an open door at the side of the clubhouse.

At that time the clubhouse was not deemed out of bounds so Denham went to look for his ball. He just followed the shouts, as it had ricocheted off a wall and into the bar, where it had come to rest under a table. With numerous drinkers egging him on, Denham looked at the situation and wondered if a shot might be possible. He moved the table and chairs and saw he could make a swing. He opened one of the windows overlooking the 18th green and played a delicate chip off the carpet, his ball snuck through the window and landed on the green. It rolled up to within five feet of the hole and, of course, he holed the putt for a miraculous par four.
No moral to this story but I liked it anyway!

    

Better look like an efficient receptionist laugh

   





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Ozzyjack
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« Reply #2477 on: May 23, 2019, 09:02:16 PM »



I’m sorry if the realistic introduction to my post yesterday dampened your spirits but I hope the two jokes that followed lifted them up.

I did play golf today.  Very curate’s egg. Your golf story was before they had cameras following all the action.  Phil Mickelson pulled off a similar effort twice at the Barclays back in 2014 which was fully documented. click here.

You’ve got to give it to the French. Can you imagine this happening in the UK or Australia

Today, back to the wild west for inspiration e.g. A cowboy walks into a German car showroom and says, "Audi!"

   

Quote
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge. The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

Moral: You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an arsehole.

Tomorrow another early start, up at sparrows fart.


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Cheers, Jack


With age, you see people fail more. You see yourself fail more. How do you keep that fearlessness of a kid? You keep going. Luckily, I'm not afraid to make a fool of myself. - Hugh Jackman
Hobbit
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« Reply #2478 on: May 24, 2019, 04:52:38 AM »



I'm only firing on one cylinder this evening Sad  Work was very busy & hot.  Your post more than made up for it. The article about the French mayor handing out Viagra made me howl with laughter laugh  As you say only in France.
   
I was searching for funny Viagra cartoons & found this!
  I have no idea what it's got to do with the cost of kippers unless I'm so tired I'm missing something!

Anyway the good news I have no work now til Monday Smiley  One of my work colleagues, Gill, is retiring tomorrow.  About a dozen of us are all going out for dinner tomorrow night Hungry - really looking forward to it.

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!” The panda yells back at the manager, “Hey man, I m a PANDA! Look it up!” The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves.”



Have a great game of golf tomorrow (today) & swing like Glenn Miller, drive like Jackie Stewart & putt like Phil Mickelson laugh



I'm going to conk out trout!!
Pen

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Ozzyjack
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« Reply #2479 on: May 24, 2019, 01:39:46 PM »

I'm only firing on one cylinder this evening.

That begs the question, Pen, of how many cylinders you normally fire on.  There are one-cylinder motors in which case you would be fine but seeing you say only, I will guess the norm is about six. Cheesy

Your Panda story reminded me therere is a common joke in Australia about how young Australian males are like Wombats. Why? The Wombat eats roots and leaves. The young Australian male eats, roots, and leaves.  Mike would appreciate the change in meaning a couple of commas can give.

No golf today.  The early start was to go to the gym.  I will be busy today studying the racing form.  I can’t remember if I told you before that I am a member of a six-man betting syndicate.  We put in $20 a week and take turns in investing the $120 in whatever type of bet on the Saturday races we fancy, although the most common is 6 x $10 each way.  If you get $120 or more from your bets you get to go again the following week.  At the end of the year, we have a big party and split the pool.   As each year we have only got 75-95% return on investment, you could consider it a saving plan which pays negative interest or alternatively relatively cheap entertainment.  Whatever, I will be spending several hours today studying the form.  My problem is before I got roped into the syndicate, I had no interest in racing and I know bugger-all about it.  I must troll the internet trying to get insights from the experts but mostly the various experts disagree with each other and when they do agree the odds you can get are unbelievably poor.

Anyway that gives me a theme:

   

Quote
A trainer was giving last-minute instructions to a jockey and appeared to slip something into the horse's mouth, just as a steward walked by. "What was that?" inquired the steward. "Oh nothing" said the trainer, "just a polo". He offered one to the steward and had one himself.

After the suspicious steward had left the scene, the trainer continued with his instructions "Just keep on the rail. You're on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either the steward or me".


Have a great meal tonight.


« Last Edit: May 25, 2019, 05:22:40 PM by Ozzyjack » Logged

Cheers, Jack


With age, you see people fail more. You see yourself fail more. How do you keep that fearlessness of a kid? You keep going. Luckily, I'm not afraid to make a fool of myself. - Hugh Jackman
Ozzyjack
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« Reply #2480 on: May 24, 2019, 02:00:25 PM »

This is sad.

Quote from: Cathy Wilcox, Sydney Morning Herald Cartoonist


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Cheers, Jack


With age, you see people fail more. You see yourself fail more. How do you keep that fearlessness of a kid? You keep going. Luckily, I'm not afraid to make a fool of myself. - Hugh Jackman
TRex
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« Reply #2481 on: May 25, 2019, 04:57:07 AM »

This is sad.

Sadder is that a baby can be killed for his/her father's crime.
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Ozzyjack
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« Reply #2482 on: May 25, 2019, 08:18:19 AM »

Sadder is that a baby can be killed for his/her father's crime.

That either situation should exist is sad.  My view on which is sadder is heavily weighted towards the wishes and welfare of the mother.

This BBC article covers both sides of the ethical argument on when the foetus becomes sufficiently human to have the right to life..

It is also sad that a doctor acting in the interests and welfare of the mother could be a further victim of the father's crime.
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Cheers, Jack


With age, you see people fail more. You see yourself fail more. How do you keep that fearlessness of a kid? You keep going. Luckily, I'm not afraid to make a fool of myself. - Hugh Jackman
TRex
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« Reply #2483 on: May 25, 2019, 09:47:14 AM »

A baby is only a 'foetus' when those who have the power want to kill him/her. Abortionists act more in their own self-interest (getting rich for a quick procedure) than in anyone else's interest.

The scientific fact is that the baby is a human being (genetically).
« Last Edit: May 25, 2019, 09:51:42 AM by TRex » Logged
Ozzyjack
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« Reply #2484 on: May 25, 2019, 11:01:01 AM »

Hi TRex,

You have every right to hold your views which do appear to be somewhat removed from the centre of the spectum?

Here is a article which gives statistics which show it is not only the great unwashed like me but people who hold various religious affiliations who hold more liberal views.

I understand that your country, as does mine, claims to be governed as a secular State.  It does, therefore, appear to me that it is not right that something can be legislated as a punishable crime based on a conservative religious view which is by no means universal.
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Cheers, Jack


With age, you see people fail more. You see yourself fail more. How do you keep that fearlessness of a kid? You keep going. Luckily, I'm not afraid to make a fool of myself. - Hugh Jackman
TRex
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« Reply #2485 on: May 25, 2019, 11:37:43 AM »

My view is not 'based on a conservative religious view'. It is based on a scientific view. I am opposed to killing humans. Always.

And the majority isn't always right.
« Last Edit: May 25, 2019, 11:40:21 AM by TRex » Logged
Ozzyjack
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« Reply #2486 on: May 25, 2019, 02:51:30 PM »

I am opposed to killing humans. Always.

Are there no exceptions?:  e.g.
  • A soldier killing the enemy in war-time
  • If it's the only way of stopping a terrorist killing innocent victims
  • Carrying out the death penalty in the U.S. in those States (30 in 2017) where it is still legal
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Cheers, Jack


With age, you see people fail more. You see yourself fail more. How do you keep that fearlessness of a kid? You keep going. Luckily, I'm not afraid to make a fool of myself. - Hugh Jackman
Linda
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« Reply #2487 on: May 25, 2019, 11:05:03 PM »

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Carrying out the death penalty in the U.S. in those States (30 in 2017) where it is still legal

How on earth is it still legal?  Thank goodness it is a thing of the past over here.

On 13 August 50 years ago, Peter Allen and Gwynne Evans were hanged for the murder of John West. Nobody knew it at the time, but they were to be the last people executed in Great Britain. The anniversary is not just a time for looking back on this historic event, though. It is also a time for looking forward to the day that executions worldwide come to an end, and it is a time for appreciating the leading role that Britain now plays in ending the death penalty in other parts of the world.

When looking back on an execution-free half century, we should not forget those men and women whose deaths it took to spur us towards abolition. Timothy Evans was hanged in 1950 for the murder of his baby daughter, only for the real killer to confess three years later – the same year in which Derek Bentley was hanged despite doubts about his role in the murder of a policeman (his conviction was posthumously quashed in 1998). And in 1955, there was public outrage when Ruth Ellis was executed, not least because she had suffered incredible physical and emotional abuse at the hands of the man she killed. These manifestly unfair hangings galvanised the anti-death penalty movement and spurred parliament to suspend the death penalty in 1965.
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pat
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« Reply #2488 on: May 26, 2019, 12:26:11 AM »

A baby is only a 'foetus' when those who have the power want to kill him/her.

A foetus is only a baby to those who believe that they should be able to tell a pregnant woman what she can and can't do with her own body. Their view is far more important and they wish to impose it on everyone else. How arrogant.

Quote
Abortionists act more in their own self-interest (getting rich for a quick procedure) than in anyone else's interest.

Sorry, TRex, but that's a terrible sweeping statement. They very much act in the interest of a woman who doesn't want to be pregnant.
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TRex
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« Reply #2489 on: May 26, 2019, 01:37:49 AM »

Are there no exceptions?:  e.g.
  • A soldier killing the enemy in war-time
  • If it's the only way of stopping a terrorist killing innocent victims
  • Carrying out the death penalty in the U.S. in those States (30 in 2017) where it is still legal

Exceptions should be exceptional. I oppose war. I oppose the death penalty (it is barbaric). In the case of the second item, if it is the only way to prevent a greater number of deaths, it would be the least-objectionable route, but still regrettable.

I should add there may be 'conservative religious views' amongst Protestants and Roman Catholics, but I am neither and those who think of religious views in terms of 'conservative' and 'liberal' would find it difficult to classify my views. Likewise, when it comes to political views my liberal friends think I am a conservative and my conservative friends think I am a liberal.
« Last Edit: May 26, 2019, 01:42:08 AM by TRex » Logged
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