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Author Topic: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)  (Read 106908 times)
Ozzyjack
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« Reply #2355 on: April 14, 2019, 09:18:13 PM »



Hi Pen,



Great Cartoons.  From now on if I don’t repeat myself, assume ditto.  Of course, if the content requires a comment, such as because you had a chook theme, I'll let you know I’ll respond with a chook story.

A Southern Highlands farmer goes out one day and buys a young rooster because he thinks his old rooster may soon be getting past it and will need some help with his duties which are essential to the success of his poultry business.  The farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business.

The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says: "OK, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says: "You can't handle all these chooks . . . look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies: "Now, don't give me a hassle about this.  Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says: "Aw, c'mon . . . just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."

The young rooster says: "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster: "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse.  Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop and if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start?"

The young rooster says: "Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you."

They line up behind the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running.

About 15 seconds later, the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster, flapping his wings and crowing loudly to scare the old boy, is only about a foot behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM! - he blows the young rooster to KFC heaven. He shakes his head gloomily and says: "Son of a bitch . . . third gay rooster I bought this week!"  

The moral of the story: Age and cunning can sometimes still beat youth and vigour. Demon

The usual trio:

               

 

Maybe it's because I am a teetotaler.
I am off to bed with a very clear head.
« Last Edit: April 14, 2019, 09:23:50 PM by Ozzyjack » Logged

Cheers, Jack


"People never grow up, they just learn how to act in public."—Bryan White
Ozzyjack
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Southern Highlands, NSW.


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« Reply #2356 on: April 14, 2019, 09:51:50 PM »



Sorry, Pen. I was a bit slow today and you beat me to the punch.

I sympathise with that priest - keeping quiet about a hole-in-one would be the ultimate penance. Demon

We record the golf, so I don't lose sleep over it.   Although because of a weather scare they have already started the final round using both tees.  The TV coverage starts at 11 pm.(2 pm your time).  I am barracking for Molinari.  I think he has the best chance of beating the Americans.  I don't have much faith that our guys will pull off a miracle.  If I wake up about midnight I might be tempted to watch a little live on my iPad, although I do have a big day planned tomorrow.



« Last Edit: April 14, 2019, 09:53:59 PM by Ozzyjack » Logged

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"People never grow up, they just learn how to act in public."—Bryan White
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« Reply #2357 on: April 15, 2019, 04:40:14 AM »

Hi Jack.Just popping in!  I think this teetotal malarkey is improving your comic funny bone laugh Brilliant! Zoe & I love 'allo 'allo.  Especially the very early ones.  I remember my Dad took great exception to it.  I don't know if it was because he was in WW2 & was a Dunkirk veteran but he hated it.
You said you have a big day tomorrow (today now?) but you didn't say why...Being of a nosey disposition I like to know what's going on!
 
& here's my chauffeur

Hope Molinari prevails over Tiger Woods



Got to fly magpie
Pen
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Ozzyjack
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« Reply #2358 on: April 15, 2019, 05:27:17 PM »

I think this teetotal malarkey is improving your comic funny bone laugh
Zoe & I love 'allo 'allo.  Especially the very early ones.
You said you have a big day tomorrow (today now?) but you didn't say why...Being of a nosey disposition I like to know what's going on!
& here's my chauffeur
Hope Molinari prevails over Tiger Woods

,Pen

if your thesis is correct, you must have been on the wagon this week too

click here for a small example of the type of humour

It was to be a standard big day.  Gym, golf and 2 dog walks.  As it turned out I hadn’t checked out the program at the golf club.  They had a ladies pennant competition on, which used up all the golf carts, so we decided to postpone our game to tomorrow.

 I assume that you are Lady Penelope.  Are we supposed to tug the forelock?

 The Americans took the top four positions.  Still, I suppose we have to be good sports and congratulate them.

The usual trio:
                 


Off into the night,
With the speed of light,
And the sound of galloping hooves.



« Last Edit: April 15, 2019, 05:32:55 PM by Ozzyjack » Logged

Cheers, Jack


"People never grow up, they just learn how to act in public."—Bryan White
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« Reply #2359 on: April 15, 2019, 07:28:45 PM »


Monday morning & I'm sadly lacking much enthusiasm Sad 
Your post did help to raise my spirits - cartoons were A1 very funny laugh
I look forward to a bit of forelock tugging & bowling & scraping Demon
   
Here's my other alter ego

   
I'm a bit peeved about Tiger Woods though probably sorrier that Molinari fell by the wayside.  Can't deny that Woods is a phenomenal sportsman.  I just don't like/respect him as a person.
I will take my grumpiness out on a few patients Demon & wish you Happy Tuesday & Happy Golfing Smiley
Bye Bye

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« Reply #2360 on: April 15, 2019, 08:09:44 PM »

Quote

 Off out now for a, hopefully, delicious lunch and then tea with the family ... too much food and too much wine - perfect day!  Demon
Quote

Hi Linda Hope your birthday brought you much enjoyment & pleasure Smiley
Penx
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Linda
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« Reply #2361 on: April 15, 2019, 08:49:46 PM »

Quote
I'm a bit peeved about Tiger Woods though probably sorrier that Molinari fell by the wayside.  Can't deny that Woods is a phenomenal sportsman.  I just don't like/respect him as a person.

Pen, I think we must be twin souls!  My thoughts presactly!!  Molinari is rather cute, which helps!  I'm not a golf fan but hubby is so I did see grumpy features win. 

Birthday was lovely, thanks.  Scrummy lunch and tea.  Face painting with my niece's children (I've discovered I'm not as artistic as I thought I was) and plenty of Runestone in the evening!!  Demon
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« Reply #2362 on: April 15, 2019, 09:31:05 PM »

Can't argue with you Linda!  We are twin souls I reckon - scarily similar thoughts/likes!
Glad you had a great birthday.  Perhaps you should be like the Queen & have 2 a year.  Double the enjoyment Demon
pen
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Linda
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« Reply #2363 on: April 15, 2019, 09:44:09 PM »

As long as it's not double the age ...  Demon
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« Reply #2364 on: April 16, 2019, 12:32:29 AM »

love it! 
Great minds think alike Smiley
or fools seldom differ... Demon
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Ozzyjack
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« Reply #2365 on: April 16, 2019, 10:27:01 PM »

,Pen

Ditto.

Lady Penelope,  I would be happy to bow and curtsey.  I would, under protest, grovel but there is no way I could manage a full-blown somersault with buttocks rampant, even if I wanted to. Cheesy

I came second at golf today, the only problem it was a social game between the two of us. Sad


The usual trio:

           

This big blue whale has gotta Bail.

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Cheers, Jack


"People never grow up, they just learn how to act in public."—Bryan White
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Bletchley, Buckinghamshire, England


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« Reply #2366 on: April 17, 2019, 01:05:27 AM »



I got really excited when you said you came second at golf today

but then I read on....



   

Must do some work laugh


au revoir  Pen

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Ozzyjack
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« Reply #2367 on: April 17, 2019, 03:14:35 PM »

Hello Penny

Ditto.  You hit the nail on the head.  The reason why I was a good loser I was playing with the only boss I have these days, She was a gracious winner.  Also, we were being closely observed (see attachment)





But luckily not for me, because I found a good story

Theresa May walked into a bank to cash a cheque.  She said to the teller, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

The teller replied, "Could you please show me your ID?"

Theresa May said, "Truthfully, I didn't bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I'm the Prime Minister."

The teller said, "Yes madam, I know who you are... but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors, forgers, and requirements of the legislation etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Theresa May said, "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am, and they'll tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

The teller said, "I'm sorry, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them. However, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods, he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.  Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. he pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque.

So, Mrs May, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"

Theresa May stood there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank... there's nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do... and I don't have a clue."

With a big smile, the teller said, "Will that be large or small notes, Mrs May?


The usual trio

           

Oh by golly, I’ve got to go and walk the border collie




* kangas1.jpg (78.04 KB, 778x230 - viewed 72 times.)
« Last Edit: April 17, 2019, 05:25:46 PM by Ozzyjack » Logged

Cheers, Jack


"People never grow up, they just learn how to act in public."—Bryan White
Hobbit
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Posts: 1116


Bletchley, Buckinghamshire, England


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« Reply #2368 on: April 17, 2019, 08:44:44 PM »

  JACK
Although it's quite possible that by the time I post this you & the chooks will be safely tucked up for the night!


A very funny (& apt) joke & excellent trio laugh
The especially liked the kangaroos on the golf course Smiley

I was looking for a funny hospital/fracture clinic related joke but the best I could come up with was this story posted on a doctor's website.  It tickled me & hope it will do the same for you!

A guy comes into the emergency department via Ambulance with burns on his lower extremities. His shoes are charred and the bottoms of his pants are definitely burned away but his skin isn't so bad. He had been trying to use a propane-powered weed burner in his yard (think flame thrower) and things got a little out of control. I smelled alcohol on his breath so I asked the guy if he had been drinking and he looked me directly in the eye and said, "Nooooo". I got drunk just standing next to him. It was a once in a lifetime set up and I couldn't help myself. As straight faced and professionally as possible I said, "Sir...liar, liar, pants on fire". The paramedics all turned at once and ran out of the room they were laughing so hard! The patient just stared at me. He was so drunk it went totally over his head!

     


Bye Bye Sweetie Pie


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Ozzyjack
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Southern Highlands, NSW.


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« Reply #2369 on: April 18, 2019, 09:36:57 PM »

Pen

Ditto.  I am a bit knacked tonight so I might not be able to match your standard,

I thought it was time to check whether my weight loss program was working.  I stepped on one of those scales that not only prints your weight on a card but also adds a character analysis.

"Listen to this," I said to my wife, showing her the card.   "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great person."

"Yes," she nodded, "and it has got your weight wrong, too."

This made me depressed so I headed to the nearest pub to drown my sorrows.  As I walked into the bar, I noticed two pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling.

"What's with the meat?", I asked the barman.

"Oh, that's just a little competition.", the barman explained. "If you can jump up and catch a piece of meat between your teeth, then you get a free drink. If you fail, however, you buy the whole bar a drink.  Would you like to have a go?".

"I don't think so", I said, "the steaks are too high."


The usual trio:

           


There is no more; time to close the door


« Last Edit: April 18, 2019, 10:24:31 PM by Ozzyjack » Logged

Cheers, Jack


"People never grow up, they just learn how to act in public."—Bryan White
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